i promise this is really the last time i’ll be here. but if you’re reading this, there’s still hope.
–han
endings
Ah, now, don’t cry over lost years and forgetfulness. The tales tell what they can. The rest is for us to learn.
—Shannon Hale
Tomorrow will mark a whole year of The Goose Girl. It began as a way to keep up in friendship and turned into a place where I wrote about a lot of feelings which I don’t feel anymore. I have out grown it, and The Goose Girl is a place I can’t maintain now, as it’s a reminder of these things. I see it only fitting that this be my last post, written on the day before its year anniversary.
Instead of leaving it be to gather dust I wanted to finish off this chapter of my life properly, to give it the closure it deserves. First I’d like to say I’m sorry to Ani, for taking her name. I don’t think I used it as well as I should have but thank you for letting me borrow it nonetheless. You’ll always be special to me.
Second, Persephone, I’m so glad I have your friendship. You are the only person I ever really wanted to know about this blog, and I’m glad we started ours together. I will cherish you forever (and keep reading your blogs, of course). Note, this isn’t the end of us sharing words together, fear not.
Third, to the only other person who knows about this blog. You may not ever see this, but just in case, I just want to address a few things. I’m not angry, that’s not why I’m doing this. I just need a clean start. After the last year I need a new place to be myself. I won’t delete this blog, for the sake of memory. This is all that I’m keeping to remind me of November 4th, 2017 – October 9th, 2018, that year deserves to be remembered, but not held onto.
And finally, to myself, a few resolutions:
- be forgiving with yourself
- never handle mistreatment
- admittedly cliché, but, be absolutely 100% your own person
- take time to heal
- don’t be afraid to jump into new things
- trust
Ah, Dear Persephone. I think we both knew this was coming. Here we go.
Au revoir,
Ani
Ani felt a stirring, a hope, a winged thing waking up in her chest and brushing her heart with it’s feathers…
—Shannon Hale
11.27.18
Oh, I’ve been low
But dammit, I bet it don’t show
It was heaven a moment ago
Oh, I had it almost
We had it almost
Oh, I can’t seem to let myself leave you
But I can’t breathe anymore
Oh, I can’t seem to not need to need you
And I can’t breathe anymore
Repeat Until Death — Novo Amor
Persephone! This post is so spur of the moment, I’ve been in the library trying to study french grammar for a few hours but this song came on and I drank an entire 16 oz latte and I’m just waiting for it to be dinner time so I can leave this place.
Not even really sure what I want to accomplish with this, I guess I’m here to communicate a few things:
1. I’m tired of studying, not being able to study, french grammar, and feeling things I don’t need to be feeling anymore.
2. These lyrics hit me and I wanted to put them here so I can look back at them one day and recognize that I’m in a different place (hopefully)
3. I miss you, friend! So much! I wonder how it would feel to live in the same place for real, like what impact would that have on us? I have good friends here, but your outlook on things I think would really help me be much less dramatic than I am…maybe? Just thinking out loud now.
4. I miss writing, gosh. I’ve gotten so out of practice and I feel like I can’t touch this blog for reasons we have discussed, but maybe I don’t have any reason to worry?
Now that I have that out of my system I should probably try studying again. Think of you often, parabatai!
Much love & until next time,
Ani
11.12.18
You’re proving how weak you are by being harsh to others. It is being gentle that requires strength.
—Subhanghi
There are a few people in my life I have a really hard time being gentle with, that’s why this quote is here, just as a reminder.
Anyways, I’m here without much to say. I really need a break from school, and I’m getting one in a week so I should really push through and give it as much as I’ve got the next few days. However, all I’ve done is lose myself in a high school drama fantasy (Riverdale, if you’re wondering Persephone. I know I’m late, you were on that train—and probably wayyy past it by now—back when I was still reading Clockwork Prince).
Ahh, how I wish I were truly the goose girl after the last chapter closes, where she’s happily tucked away in her castle with Enna and Geric and her new responsibilities before things go bad again. That would be something.
Well, my life isn’t a book or a tv show, so I guess I might as well try sleeping, so I can try and be my gentlest self tomorrow.
As always, hope you are well, Parabatai. I can’t wait to see you so soon!
Until next time,
Ani
p.s. Why is Jughead virtually the only character who ever looks tired? They should all look exhausted, shouldn’t they? I guess that’s just tv.
10.18.20
“In his arms, here is healing for every seemingly unhealable scar, comfort for the feelings of ‘I’ve gone too far’, identity for the moments when we’ve forgotten who we are.” – mhp
It’s absolutely astonishing how much a life can change over the course of one week.
My heart, my dreams, what takes up space in my thoughts.
We’re such fickle beings, after all.
I’m in a better place than I was before. Whatever that “before” is, the length of time I can’t say. I’m spending a lot of time not wanting to think about the “before” anyways. I am where I am now. I want to be just as much as I can, soak up every ounce of the cool autumn air, and every opportunity there might be out there for me.
I’m feeling things again I haven’t in a long time, and I owe that in great part to the creator of the skies who’s call I have answered. I’ve invited him into my heart again, and in turn he’s wrapped me in his comfort.
Of course life has still thrown hard things at me, that will never change, I am certain. But I’m not worried. I’m at peace with who I am and where I’m going.
I can only hope the same for you too, Parabatai! Good to hear from you earlier this week. Can’t wait for spring and the chance to see you & NYC in bloom x.
until next time,
Ani
the goose girl 